Power of Positive Parenting

Infants and young children are learning at an extraordinary rate, absorbing and processing the sights, sounds and interactions within their world. The experiences of these first months and years of life have a profound effect on their future lives. It is a time when the power of positive parenting may have its most significant impact. Infants parrot the sounds they hear in order to learn to speak; similarly they learn cause and effect from their behavior and the response to their behavior, repeating those activities that produce an agreeable response. As parents we can guide our children toward those positive behaviors, by recognition and approval, which serve to reinforce their patterns of behavior. We set the example for them by our own behavior.

A child who is spanked for misbehaving only learns that it is acceptable to hit another person. Screaming at a child because it is the fifth ( and for the parent, the final time) a toddler has touched the remote control, or the knobs of the DVD player, or other "off-limits" object, escalates the situation and confuses the child. Better to stay calm, redirect the child or the relocate the object and to save that tone of voice for truly urgent situations, such as biting electrical cords or running into the street.

Parental expectation must take into account the child's level of maturity. For example, children under two years of age have little impulse control, which is why we often need to physically remove a toddler from his/her targeted, but unacceptable plaything.

While it is impossible to be "on-stage" every minute of every day, being mindful of our actions and reactions as parents will serve to allow our children to mature into respectful, confident individuals, while reducing the intensity, and hopefully the frequency of confrontations between parent and child. Children need our guidance and need to know what the rules and boundaries are. The young child is like Christopher Columbus on his first voyage; he is looking for the edge of the world but is not desiring to fall off. This is why they are frequently testing their parents' tolerance for behavior. Setting limits that are age and developmentally appropriate serve to define for the child what is expected of them. The key is to set those standards with encouragement, and reward the child's compliance, while recognizing failures without ridiculing the child. It is important for the child's self-confidence that we separate errant behavior from the child's persona; "Daddy loves you, but he does not like when you throw your toys." Positive discipline employs kindness with firmness, reinforcing positive behaviors, encouraging a child's efforts to perform those behaviors and actively suggesting rewarding tasks, which hopefully will distract children from misadventures.

I would like to refer my readers to the wonderful series of parental guidebooks by Dr. Jane Nelsen entitled " Positive Discipline" which was the inspiration for this article and which we use as a resource for clinicians and parents alike in our developmental clinic.

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